Emotions vs Olympics

GAH! Emotions are crazy. Ever felt like time had suddenly lost meaning? I bet you have. Has that feeling ever lasted for over 24 hours? Probably not for you. Everything seems to take about the same amount of time. A second lasts a year, and a year lasts a second, and things that once seemed forever away in the future seem like they are raining down upon you in all their fury. Needless to say, in this condition, it's kind of difficult to judge a current situation accurately. Problems tend to happen. Bleah.

So the Olympics are cool. People are doing some crazy stuff. Breaking world records, being awesome, you know, the works. Go people! Be patriotic! Represent your country, athletes! Support those athletes, countries! GO TEAM USA!!! I'm sorry if I have offended any of you with my outburst of patriotism, but I happen to support my country. You all should too, or if you don't, move to where you want to be. That's my 2 cents.

Okay, so there wasn't really any battle betwixt feelings and sports, but whatever.

Invisible Thoughts

What does an invisible man think about? Well, probably what most men think about. Girls, cars, money, food, chores. In that order, probably. Anyway, I say I'm invisible, but I'm not really. Not physically anyway. Actually, come to think of it, I usually dress rather flamboyantly. But for one thing, I'd say it was just a name. I am invisible to nearly everyone. I mean who I am inside, and what I'm really like. There are very few people who can see me for who and what I am, and those people are dear to me.

I have written a song, but I have yet to find a tune that fits. It's called "Falling to Pieces."

Falling to Pieces

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

I cannot feel.

I cannot hear.

I cannot break through the silence here.

* I'm falling to pieces when you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbles, right down to the ground.

The words that I've spoken, are lost and broken,

These are my ruins that you have found.

Now you found it.

Now you found me.

Now you will help to write my story.

I have spoken.

I have not lied.

I'm dead now! I've died on the inside!

*

I remember the feeling

When you were leaving.

Like I had been flying

And just lost my wings.

I thought I'd be falling,

But I was just hanging,

And stopped, I was falling,

Falling to Pieces.

*

I was falling.

I was unsure.

I was in pain, but you were the cure.

Now you are gone.

Now you are free.

Now you are not still held down by me.

*

I need help. You're the one.

You're the anesthetic.

My wounds have come undone.

Who can come and save me

From who I am inside?

It was you, It's only you.

I thought I'd made it through,

But I'm to late and...

I'm falling to pieces now that you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbled, right down to the ground.

The words I have spoken, say that I'm broken,

These are my ruins scattered all around.

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

So that's the song. I only have the melody of the chorus figured out right now, but that isn't going to change any time soon.

Actually, the song is a little bit inaccurate. I'm falling to pieces anyway, but at least it's a good way when you're around. You know who you are.

Anyway. summer has been... exciting to say the least. I recently got flung out of a sit-down style tube while boating with the guys. Considering that when you crack a whip, the end of the whip breaks the sound barrier while your arm gets nowhere close, and applying that to this incident, I'd say that I was going about 50 miles per hour when the tube flipped all the way over. I mean a full flip. It landed right side up. The boat was going about 25 mph and turned left really sharply. Needless to say, I lost my sunglasses. Luckily, I had someone in the boat filming the incident. It's a great video, but I don't think I'll post it.

So, I like girls. I am attracted to them, and I think most of my friends are girls. I like the odds. Anyway, there's this one girl (who inspired the poem above) who I like more than I thought I could. I had no clue that I could like anyone that much. I'd venture as far as to say I'm in love. There's just one problem. She runs away from me. Not physically, I'm not a stalker or any other creepy sort like that. I mean she runs away emotionally. Every time we are getting close to each other emotionally, she closes up. It's like she is trying not to like me, but still does and wants to be close, so she lets me get close, and then she gets afraid of liking me, because she doesn't want to like anyone. Like anyone can help it. It's quite maddening. Not angering, just maddening. Sometimes though, I do get angry, which is stupid of me, because then I'm basically validating her fears. Silly me.

So, I think it's kinda weird how my life can shift focus. I can be totally into something, and I'll plan around it. Then, my priorities shift dramatically, and all of a sudden, something else seems entirely more important. It happens so fast for me. It gives me something to do, though.

That's all for now, folks.

The Flame That Lights My Way.

     In view of my being a recovering drug addict, I'm unusually happy. It's because I have been able to abstain from my dopamine abuse ever since I started going out with you. You know who you are, but you don't know how much you're doing for me. Until you read this, you cannot possibly understand the vast difference that you've made in my life. When I am with you, I'm free. You always make me laugh, no matter what circumstances we're in. After reading this blog, you'll understand my insecurities, because I know what a terrible thing I've done. I don't know how we're going to turn out, but I hope with all my heart, that you'll always be a part of my life.

     Lately, I've had little to no urge to return to my old habits, and that is because I'm fighting for you. You're worth fighting myself for. Right now, I'm winning the battle. You give me the upper hand in this fight, so perhaps you can understand why I want you so desperately: my heart is strong with you in it, and that strength is what I have lacked in this battle. The more success I have in this war of wills, the more I see I need you, the more I realize how much I love you.

I see your bright red, flaming hair,

The flame that lights my way.

Your laugh rings out across the air,

The star that lights my day.

The war I wage inside my mind

Is not one I can win,

Unless to me you will be kind.

I'll fight to right my sin.

My arsenal has been so small,

I did not have the means,

All night I'd beat upon a wall,

But you can mend my seams.

My thoughts revealed and when we kiss,

I'm on a wild ride.

I know that you I'll always miss,

When we're not side by side.

Infection

I am a recovering drug addict. Stop, it isn't what you think. It's not illicit, it isn't OTC medication, it isn't pain-killers, it isn't prescription, and it can't even be regulated by the government in any way. I accidentally became addicted to dopamine, the brain's reward chemical. There are drugs that mess up your dopamine levels, but I don't use those, and never have. Dopamine levels can be affected in many ways, but two of the least controllable, most unbalancing ways are pornography and masturbation. I am putting this out here, because it helps to explain. Masturbation has very few physical side-effects, and pornography doesn't actually have any. The physical side-effect of masturbation is hunger. Both of these dopamine-inducing methods have the same psychological effects: apathy, low self esteem, loss of caring about self or others, intense disregard for rules, extreme disrespect for authority and those who hold it, and self-loathing. The effects may be the same, but those of masturbation are much more intense. Pornography will almost always lead to masturbation or seeking out sexual partners whenever and/or wherever possible. This can lead to the transfer of STD's, but I have no personal experience with that. The effects of these things are devastating spiritually, emotionally, and socially. The effects lead to a vicious cycle where the reward is sought out in spite of knowing it will make things worse, because the momentary euphoria is nearly irresistible, and in a mentally/emotionally weakened state, it takes herculean effort to stop. The only thing I've found that will help is realizing that I have value, and no one can change that. Even I can do little to affect my personal value. Once I realized that I was doing things right, I slowly but steadily improved. When I was dealing with this problem, it felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like I should be strong enough to stop, but that I wasn't, that I failed. I thought that I had ruined every part of me, and saw only the negative parts of myself, becoming consumed with my flaws, and plunging into a world of anger, hatred, and fear. I lost hope, and I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of people knowing, and looking down on me, or becoming disgusted by me. That, in its self stopped me from seeking any aid. I know now that what matters is what I think, and that people should know who I am. I know that I am doing things right. I have continued in school, I have friends, I am staying healthy, and I am still strong in my moral fiber, despite my obvious shortcomings. I know right from wrong, and because I can still tell right from wrong, I know that I am still good at heart. Don't suppress parts of yourself, don't hide some of yourself. If you hide, or suppress your wounds, they won't heal, unless they are superficial. Most people don't hide superficial wounds, but infections can be hidden for a while. There will come a point when people notice, and don't know why you hid, knowing that if you had only come to them sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. Don't let it get worse. You can get help. It won't be as painful as you think it will, because it will bring some form of relief. Trust me. I know.

Music

So, today I gave this girl a CD of songs that we like in this really cool case. It's one of those CD cases that has a lever and a button thingy that you push to make the CD come out. She was entertained for the rest of lunch. :)

Honor Bound

Jared, Justin, John, and Joe

Lied and lied, they didn't know

That meaning yes and saying no

Would not make their honor grow.

Perchance some sly and sickly spy

Has gone and told them all a lie

And maybe that's the reason why

Their honor's left there, high and dry.

Their honor's feeling pretty bad

If you were it, would you feel sad?

I bet that lying makes it mad.

Instead of lying, make it glad.

Justin, Jared, Joe, and John

Know how to go right on and on,

Because their lies make them withdrawn:

The feeling left when honor's gone.

Justin cheats on every test,

So teachers thought him to be best,

But as a doctor now he's dressed.

His honor faded, broken, messed.

Jared forged his father's check,

A simple shuffling of the deck,

But now he's dead and on to heck.

His honor lost, 'cause he's a wreck.

Joe looked into politics,

Biden time, but doesn't fix

The little pokes, the little pricks,

That honor sees as bitter tricks.

John no longer lies a ton,

He's married now, has lots of fun.

He loves his wife, and loves his son,

So goes life when honor's won.

Seasons

The change of the seasons, the turn of the earth, and the firm, unchanging stars tell me to shut up. Oh well, maybe I was mistaken... Anyway, it is summer now. Summer is incredibly boring most of the time, but sometimes it is really fun. Occasionally it is really busy, like last weekend. we put in a concrete slab for our new crawl-space. It was boring and hard. Sort of... Well, it all turned out okay because we got pizza. Pizza is the food of the GODS! (aka: Ambrosia). Papa Murphey's pizza is the best pizza ever! They had this one, you may have tried it, that became my favorite pizza of all time. Then they took it off their menu because it was just a special that they had for a while. I was depressed for a... few hours? Anyway, it was a thin crust pizza with their gourmet white sauce, zucchini (i know, right?), chicken, cheddar and mozzarella, red pepper flakes, and this amazing sweet & sour sauce. I am not normally a fan of sweet & sour sauce, but this stuff was amazing on that pizza. It was titled the Thai Chicken delite pizza.

You may have noticed that I got a bit off topic. The title and first two sentences had it and it fell apart from there. I have crazy thought processes.