Whoopsie

Okay. So things didn't pan out just right. I broke down about a week ago on the twelfth. Eight weeks from the last breakdown. Something of an all time high. My girlfriend/best friend is now only my best friend. Our relationship may not be much different to an observer (no more holding hands or kissing), but it has changed a lot internally. We don't really flirt anymore. We don't tell each other everything like we once did. There are some subjects people who like each other and are making an effort to just be friends must stay away from. I am writing another blog of all the things I can't tell her right now. No. I won't post a link to it. It's private and I will only give a link to her if we start dating again, which I hope we do. I guess that is that.
Oh. I went to the show "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" with her on friday. I was really tired. But the show was great.

A Brief Synopsis

Well, lots has happened since the last post. Here's an update:

Sadie's was great. I went with my girlfriend. It was great fun. Made a fool of myself. It was awesome.

I was in the pit orchestra for the musical "Once Upon a Mattress" and got a rating as the best high school pit orchestra in the state. It was a great play. I wish I could have watched it.

On the negative, I happened to break down on November 17. I have decided that my addiction is over, and I will never again consider myself an addict. It is too easy to use as an excuse. Also, if I ever break down again, my girlfriend will leave me for good, I'll lose the best friend I have ever had, and I might go into another spiraling depression and have no one who can bring me out this time.

On the plus-side, I have been clean since. Five weeks clean tomorrow.

In the mean time, Christmas season is in full bloom. I love this time of year. Having four songs stuck in my head for a month is slightly less enjoyable (Carol of the Bells, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Good King Wenceslas, and Three Kings [Eclipse]). I have gotten proficient in singing them. I'm starting to mess with the key of each song.

Roller-coasters and Life

When people compare their life to a roller-coaster, they tend to think in two dimensions: ups, and downs. What they are forgetting is that roller-coasters tend to move in all sorts of directions: corkscrews, loops, wibbly-wobbly shapes, backwards, etc. This is more like real life. Sometimes, you just kinda turn for no reason, and sometimes, you go into some ridiculous motion that confuses you so badly your brain can't keep up. I'm in one of those situations. Everything is happening very quickly. Things spiral out of control and I'm just trying to hold on and hope for the best. Somehow, without doing any homework, I'm passing all my classes with a B- or better. I'm happy about that. I don't know how this is working out, but I hope it continues to do so. I never seem to spend enough time just coasting along and having fun. I tend to be the type who either holds on for dear life or lets go and has WAY too much fun. I think I would be cruel in my current situation to do the latter.

Oh, by the way, everything in the last post has smoothed over.

For some reason, I have yet to be asked to my school's Sadie Hawkins dance, which is only a couple weeks away. I'm still hoping.

Yay, I have fingers that I can type with!

Blue.

Speaking of oranges, there was snow today.

...And Everything Comes Crashing Down in a Flaming Rush of Hurt Feelings, Misunderstandings, Broken Trust, and Burning Bridges.

Well, basically everything good I wrote about in the last post has come back and bit me in the butt.
Several girls hate me, the one I thought didn't like me anymore seems to be showing signs of liking me more than ever, I did everything conceivable to ruin my life and the lives of every girl I have come in contact with except maybe 3 or 4. One girl is talking about me behind my back saying who knows what, and then telling me stuff I have to take as true until proven false. She seems determined to make my life into Hell, and told who knows what to my parents. It sucks. Then she gets all wishy-washy and wants to be all nice and stuff, but I know she's going to be pissed for a few weeks at least. I think she's basing her self-worth on how much I like her, which is really dangerous. It basically means that she thinks that because I like someone more than her, she is worth less than that other girl. Well, yes, I realize I was tactless about it, and that I really should have phrased some things differently, but COME ON! This is ridiculous. I'm not trying to be hurtful, but even when I'm my most tactful she takes offense at nearly every word. Gah.
Well, that's my dramatic tidbit for today. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Admirers, Admiring, and Homecoming (I bet you thought the third word should have started with an "A")

Exceedingly long titles are fun every now and again.
So I have realized something: I have admirers. It's a startling revelation. Out of nowhere, I find out that this really really quiet girl I've known since.... seventh grade? Yeah. Well anyway, I find out on Friday that she had a crush on me for a long time last year. Keep in mind that she rarely ever talked to me. When she did it was more than likely three or four words at a time. Apparently, I have crushed her heart unknowingly. In my defense, I never knew she liked me. Then there's the spunky little girl who is funny, cute, and talkative, but who takes offence easily and wears her heart on her sleeve. Then there's the geek who is cute, smart, and into things like Star Wars, Doctor Who, The X-files, The Lord of the Rings, and all sorts of video games. Then there's the girl in the advanced wood-shop class. She's funny, and cute, and tall, but she swears sometimes. To all you girls out there, remember this: Ugly words should not come out of a pretty face. If you think this doesn't apply to you, think again. There's somebody out there who thinks you are beautiful. Sorry. Tangent. Anyway, there is also the very attractive part-Latin-American cellist who also loves dancing, and happens to be very good at it. As far as I know, this is the list. If you should be on this list, please let me know at some point in the near future. I would like to know.
Then there are the girls I like (although the list is somewhat shorter, I think.): The last-mentioned on the previous list, the geeky blond one, and a few others who are not coming to mind specifically. Until very recently (as shall shortly be explained), I was very taken with a particular redheaded girl who refuses to believe she has any redeeming qualities, yet was still beautiful nonetheless. Until last night around 7:30 p.m. When I saw the cellist ready to go to the dance, at which point I nearly fell over because she was so ravishing. Literally. I had to support myself using the hand rail on the porch steps. This is the last decisive step in my getting over the redhead, which, unfortunately, seems to have been a mistake. I am in the process of finding out that she may still like me, which sucks because she told me not to like her anymore so I wouldn't get hurt, at which point it felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart over 100 times a day for a month. I could almost literally feel a knife cutting open my chest.
However that happens to turn out, I was ecstatic about my date last night. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her for the whole night after I saw her in her homecoming dress. I was really, really happy about my choice to ask her to the dance. OH MAN is she hot! Anyway, the night was fun, and everyone was happy. At the end of the night, I tried to kiss her, and she wouldn't let me. I find that attractive. Girls, NEVER let a guy kiss you on the first date. If you don't let him kiss you, you send the following message: "No, you can't have me all at once, I'm not easy to get. You're going to have to chase me a while." It's really very attractive to guys who will care about you, not about scoring.
Until next time, this is the Invisible Man.

Colors

Life has a terrible way of happening to me. To empathize with me try to imagine this:

You know how when you love someone, it's called giving your heart to them, you love them with your whole heart, or your heart belongs to them? What if you could literally give your heart to someone? Imagine you are in a world where you literally give your heart to the people you love, where hearts were made of glass, and each person could give their own special color to the hearts of others. When you love someone with all your heart, you would give your whole heart to them, and they would do with it what they pleased, perhaps adding some of their color here, or there. Now once your heart is given, you can take it back unless it is drastically and fundamentally changed by the person you've given it to. At that point, it must be replaced with the other's heart, because the heart that was once yours is now theirs completely.

Imagine your heart is broken. Not only broken, but the pieces are crumbling to dust. You can't fix it, and every time you try, each piece you touch crumbles farther.

Then along comes this person, who is so different from you, wild and crazy, yet caring, and every time they touch a piece, it connects to another and changes color and shape. This keeps happening, and you find that your heart is a new size and shape, and it is fixed, but not fixed. Fixed because it is once again a whole heart, and not fixed, because it loses it's color unless you are with that crazy, wonderful person. Up until this point, you had never had any knowledge that anything was missing, no desire for color in your life, and no way to get any color if you'd wanted it. You offer your heart to this person, so the color and the life will stay in it. 

They start getting afraid at how much you want to be with them, and they begin to run away from you. When they run away from you, the color is stripped from your heart, leaving pain where once was joy. You pursue them, because the farther they run from you, the more intense the pain gets. Finally, you catch up, and some color returns, but they refuse to put all the color back. So you must wait. There is nothing you can do to change them. They don't want to change. You see their heart has very little color. Some of it you recognize as your own, but only a very little bit. You want to see them happy, the way you were happy when they colored in your heart. They can't see your heart. They don't want to see it. When they see your heart, half colored, they are sad, and they feel sad that your heart is half in pain. You can see their heart though, and you know that a heart like that must hurt. You wish that you knew how to color it all in, but you don't, and this makes you sadder than you were when you were only in pain. If only they would show you how, you would color their heart in for them, and then they wouldn't hurt anymore. However, they won't tell you, no matter how hard you try to help them be happy. One day, they put a little more color back into your heart, and your heart feels lighter than it has in a month or two. You are very happy. Then they ask you a terrible question: "It's not worth it to see you if you are dying every time, so are we going to fix this by you not liking me, or by us not being friends anymore?" You realize that they don't want to be the color of your heart. They don't want your heart at all, but they want you to be their friend. You want them to be the color of your heart. Their color is the only one that seems to fit the new shape they've given your heart. Other people start to notice you, and want to fill your heart with their color, but their colors won't stick on this shape. Sometimes you wish those colors would stick, but the only color that will stick is the color that wonderful person put in your heart, and then took. They don't want you to need their color to fill your heart, because they are afraid of not being afraid. They don't want to put their color into your heart, because then your color may begin to grow in theirs. They fear the unknown, but instead of learning the unknown, and therefore changing the unknown to the known, they are paralyzed and refuse to change the unknown into what is known. You are afraid that if they won't let things be different, you will not only be stuck like this, but stuck like this with no hope of anything but being left by your wonderful person. Both of you fear, and that keeps you from being the color of the other's heart. It is this fear that is your undoing. Your heart seems to both gain and lose color as you are near the wonderful person. The color of your heart fills as it is embraced by your friend, and as it is pushed away from the heart of this one who changed you, it empties of its color.
Life with them means an endless torment where you are both hurt and healed at once. Life without them means you will live a life which is empty of color. Which would you choose?

Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It All.

So, in my last post, I wished that I'd find another girl like my now-ex-ish girlfriend, only less afraid of everything. (It's complicated. I still don't know what's happening.) Well, school started on Tuesday, and by the end of the day on Wednesday, I'd found out that I have a class with 30 girls and 8 boys (I like the odds there); some random girl I don't know named Ashley is obsessed with me; a pretty (she's also insane) sophomore who reminds me of a pixie seems to be dead set on making me fall for her (she claims she just wants to be friends, but I think she's hoping something develops later. I wouldn't mind that, except that I like her and she'd get hurt, which is why I know I shouldn't date her even though I'd like to.); several of the coolest, craziest, and most attractive girls in my classes also happen to like me. The thing is, I know that if I go out with any of them, they'll end up sobbing tears for some reason or other and stalk off hating me and leaving me to feel like a total jerk. It doesn't even matter what I do, or how kind I try to be, it'll happen. I don't understand women.
My problem is, I notice when girls like me. I grew up being the weird, nerdy kid nobody wanted to hang out with, and now I'm somewhat popular. I don't understand it. You're probably wondering how I notice. I just notice, okay? When you're the nerdy awkward kid, you tend to become very observant. Now, I say I was the nerdy awkward kid, but I never got a swirly, and I don't recall being thrown into a dumpster, so I must have been at least somewhat respected, or perhaps I wasn't the type of kid who had the word "target" written across their forehead. Also, I say I was the nerdy, awkward kid...
So in four days of a new school year, I've gotten several admirers, a few of whom wouldn't mind being my girlfriend one smidgen because they've got no clue that the happy-go-lucky, quirky, funny, intelligent one isn't always so happy, funny, or adorable. I am in person, but once I'm text messaging them or talking to them on facebook, I am not as considerate and I'm terrible at communicating what I mean. Then there's that one girl that creeps me out even though she's cute.
I am having issues with friendships. I am okay with girls that like me and I like them if it's a passive thing when neither of us does anything and nothing happens, but when something starts to happen, people get hurt, and I am usually not the first one to get hurt. I am usually the last one to get hurt when everyone is gone.
Have I ever said on here that I fear abandonment, and to beat my fear I push people away, so I cannot get attached to anyone? Well now I have. I can't be abandoned if there is no one to abandon me. I don't like abandonment. I really, really dislike abandonment. It hurts, and it means that yet another person has decided that I am disgusting and that it would be better to leave me here by myself to rot from the inside, alone with my thoughts, wondering why I have no one, when all the people I see have multitudes, than to stay another minute with me, because they think that my diseased mind could infect them. Not all diseases are contagious, but sometimes, you can't control all the effects. There isn't always an anti-virus, or some medication. There isn't always a cure, but when there is, it runs away from me while my strength to resist increases while being eaten away. This disease I speak of is very simple. The feeling of being inadequate is the disease I speak of. I feel like I am not enough. I cannot protect people from the pain I know will come to them at my hand. I cannot protect people from the fear of their everyday lives. I cannot be who people want me to be. I cannot do the things that are asked of me. I am inadequate.
Somehow, girls seem to think that my inadequacy is attractive, or in some way adorable. I believe that most of the times I let out a cry for help I am mistaken as saying quaint phrases that don't mean anything, or mean something other than what I am trying to say. Sometimes, I think it's my own fault that people don't know who I am. Most of the time, I think that if you want to know who I am, you should have to put some effort into knowing who I am. You'll appreciate me more if you invest time and effort into learning about me. I invest a lot of time and effort into the closest of my friends, and I care about them. I wonder how much I care, and half the time, I think I care more about my friends than I do about my family.
So I really hate it when I wish something would happen, and it does, because then I'm not actually ready for it. I wished that I would basically get another girlfriend, and God decided to grant my wish to prove to me that I'm not ready. He pretty much threw a bunch of girls at me, said take your pick, and walked away to a safe distance to watch the show. That's what I'd do, anyway. It's pretty much what happened. There are all these girls I really, really want to go out with, and I know that is a bad idea for me. Oh, also, I feel really lame asking girls out when they all have their licenses and I don't. Bah! Parents. Micro-managers. Can't stand 'em. They pretty much insist I be a perfect driver and have some life or death reason that I absolutely must have my license before they'll let me get it. They also won't let me drive in conditions that aren't perfect for driving. Well, unless we don't actually have to go anywhere. I feel like I'm second-rate when 80% of my friends will have their licenses within a month of their 16th birthday, and I'm older than all of them. The other 19 % are almost guaranteed to have theirs by age 17, and then there's me and maybe 2 other people in my grade who want their license and who can't get it. Mleh.
Anywho, life is exceedingly complex.