So, in my last post, I wished that I'd find another girl like my now-ex-ish girlfriend, only less afraid of everything. (It's complicated. I still don't know what's happening.) Well, school started on Tuesday, and by the end of the day on Wednesday, I'd found out that I have a class with 30 girls and 8 boys (I like the odds there); some random girl I don't know named Ashley is obsessed with me; a pretty (she's also insane) sophomore who reminds me of a pixie seems to be dead set on making me fall for her (she claims she just wants to be friends, but I think she's hoping something develops later. I wouldn't mind that, except that I like her and she'd get hurt, which is why I know I shouldn't date her even though I'd like to.); several of the coolest, craziest, and most attractive girls in my classes also happen to like me. The thing is, I know that if I go out with any of them, they'll end up sobbing tears for some reason or other and stalk off hating me and leaving me to feel like a total jerk. It doesn't even matter what I do, or how kind I try to be, it'll happen. I don't understand women.
My problem is, I notice when girls like me. I grew up being the weird, nerdy kid nobody wanted to hang out with, and now I'm somewhat popular. I don't understand it. You're probably wondering how I notice. I just notice, okay? When you're the nerdy awkward kid, you tend to become very observant. Now, I say I was the nerdy awkward kid, but I never got a swirly, and I don't recall being thrown into a dumpster, so I must have been at least somewhat respected, or perhaps I wasn't the type of kid who had the word "target" written across their forehead. Also, I say I was the nerdy, awkward kid...
So in four days of a new school year, I've gotten several admirers, a few of whom wouldn't mind being my girlfriend one smidgen because they've got no clue that the happy-go-lucky, quirky, funny, intelligent one isn't always so happy, funny, or adorable. I am in person, but once I'm text messaging them or talking to them on facebook, I am not as considerate and I'm terrible at communicating what I mean. Then there's that one girl that creeps me out even though she's cute.
I am having issues with friendships. I am okay with girls that like me and I like them if it's a passive thing when neither of us does anything and nothing happens, but when something starts to happen, people get hurt, and I am usually not the first one to get hurt. I am usually the last one to get hurt when everyone is gone.
Have I ever said on here that I fear abandonment, and to beat my fear I push people away, so I cannot get attached to anyone? Well now I have. I can't be abandoned if there is no one to abandon me. I don't like abandonment. I really, really dislike abandonment. It hurts, and it means that yet another person has decided that I am disgusting and that it would be better to leave me here by myself to rot from the inside, alone with my thoughts, wondering why I have no one, when all the people I see have multitudes, than to stay another minute with me, because they think that my diseased mind could infect them. Not all diseases are contagious, but sometimes, you can't control all the effects. There isn't always an anti-virus, or some medication. There isn't always a cure, but when there is, it runs away from me while my strength to resist increases while being eaten away. This disease I speak of is very simple. The feeling of being inadequate is the disease I speak of. I feel like I am not enough. I cannot protect people from the pain I know will come to them at my hand. I cannot protect people from the fear of their everyday lives. I cannot be who people want me to be. I cannot do the things that are asked of me. I am inadequate.
Somehow, girls seem to think that my inadequacy is attractive, or in some way adorable. I believe that most of the times I let out a cry for help I am mistaken as saying quaint phrases that don't mean anything, or mean something other than what I am trying to say. Sometimes, I think it's my own fault that people don't know who I am. Most of the time, I think that if you want to know who I am, you should have to put some effort into knowing who I am. You'll appreciate me more if you invest time and effort into learning about me. I invest a lot of time and effort into the closest of my friends, and I care about them. I wonder how much I care, and half the time, I think I care more about my friends than I do about my family.
So I really hate it when I wish something would happen, and it does, because then I'm not actually ready for it. I wished that I would basically get another girlfriend, and God decided to grant my wish to prove to me that I'm not ready. He pretty much threw a bunch of girls at me, said take your pick, and walked away to a safe distance to watch the show. That's what I'd do, anyway. It's pretty much what happened. There are all these girls I really, really want to go out with, and I know that is a bad idea for me. Oh, also, I feel really lame asking girls out when they all have their licenses and I don't. Bah! Parents. Micro-managers. Can't stand 'em. They pretty much insist I be a perfect driver and have some life or death reason that I absolutely must have my license before they'll let me get it. They also won't let me drive in conditions that aren't perfect for driving. Well, unless we don't actually have to go anywhere. I feel like I'm second-rate when 80% of my friends will have their licenses within a month of their 16th birthday, and I'm older than all of them. The other 19 % are almost guaranteed to have theirs by age 17, and then there's me and maybe 2 other people in my grade who want their license and who can't get it. Mleh.
Anywho, life is exceedingly complex.
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