The Flame That Lights My Way.

     In view of my being a recovering drug addict, I'm unusually happy. It's because I have been able to abstain from my dopamine abuse ever since I started going out with you. You know who you are, but you don't know how much you're doing for me. Until you read this, you cannot possibly understand the vast difference that you've made in my life. When I am with you, I'm free. You always make me laugh, no matter what circumstances we're in. After reading this blog, you'll understand my insecurities, because I know what a terrible thing I've done. I don't know how we're going to turn out, but I hope with all my heart, that you'll always be a part of my life.

     Lately, I've had little to no urge to return to my old habits, and that is because I'm fighting for you. You're worth fighting myself for. Right now, I'm winning the battle. You give me the upper hand in this fight, so perhaps you can understand why I want you so desperately: my heart is strong with you in it, and that strength is what I have lacked in this battle. The more success I have in this war of wills, the more I see I need you, the more I realize how much I love you.

I see your bright red, flaming hair,

The flame that lights my way.

Your laugh rings out across the air,

The star that lights my day.

The war I wage inside my mind

Is not one I can win,

Unless to me you will be kind.

I'll fight to right my sin.

My arsenal has been so small,

I did not have the means,

All night I'd beat upon a wall,

But you can mend my seams.

My thoughts revealed and when we kiss,

I'm on a wild ride.

I know that you I'll always miss,

When we're not side by side.

Infection

I am a recovering drug addict. Stop, it isn't what you think. It's not illicit, it isn't OTC medication, it isn't pain-killers, it isn't prescription, and it can't even be regulated by the government in any way. I accidentally became addicted to dopamine, the brain's reward chemical. There are drugs that mess up your dopamine levels, but I don't use those, and never have. Dopamine levels can be affected in many ways, but two of the least controllable, most unbalancing ways are pornography and masturbation. I am putting this out here, because it helps to explain. Masturbation has very few physical side-effects, and pornography doesn't actually have any. The physical side-effect of masturbation is hunger. Both of these dopamine-inducing methods have the same psychological effects: apathy, low self esteem, loss of caring about self or others, intense disregard for rules, extreme disrespect for authority and those who hold it, and self-loathing. The effects may be the same, but those of masturbation are much more intense. Pornography will almost always lead to masturbation or seeking out sexual partners whenever and/or wherever possible. This can lead to the transfer of STD's, but I have no personal experience with that. The effects of these things are devastating spiritually, emotionally, and socially. The effects lead to a vicious cycle where the reward is sought out in spite of knowing it will make things worse, because the momentary euphoria is nearly irresistible, and in a mentally/emotionally weakened state, it takes herculean effort to stop. The only thing I've found that will help is realizing that I have value, and no one can change that. Even I can do little to affect my personal value. Once I realized that I was doing things right, I slowly but steadily improved. When I was dealing with this problem, it felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like I should be strong enough to stop, but that I wasn't, that I failed. I thought that I had ruined every part of me, and saw only the negative parts of myself, becoming consumed with my flaws, and plunging into a world of anger, hatred, and fear. I lost hope, and I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of people knowing, and looking down on me, or becoming disgusted by me. That, in its self stopped me from seeking any aid. I know now that what matters is what I think, and that people should know who I am. I know that I am doing things right. I have continued in school, I have friends, I am staying healthy, and I am still strong in my moral fiber, despite my obvious shortcomings. I know right from wrong, and because I can still tell right from wrong, I know that I am still good at heart. Don't suppress parts of yourself, don't hide some of yourself. If you hide, or suppress your wounds, they won't heal, unless they are superficial. Most people don't hide superficial wounds, but infections can be hidden for a while. There will come a point when people notice, and don't know why you hid, knowing that if you had only come to them sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. Don't let it get worse. You can get help. It won't be as painful as you think it will, because it will bring some form of relief. Trust me. I know.