A Brief Synopsis

Well, lots has happened since the last post. Here's an update:

Sadie's was great. I went with my girlfriend. It was great fun. Made a fool of myself. It was awesome.

I was in the pit orchestra for the musical "Once Upon a Mattress" and got a rating as the best high school pit orchestra in the state. It was a great play. I wish I could have watched it.

On the negative, I happened to break down on November 17. I have decided that my addiction is over, and I will never again consider myself an addict. It is too easy to use as an excuse. Also, if I ever break down again, my girlfriend will leave me for good, I'll lose the best friend I have ever had, and I might go into another spiraling depression and have no one who can bring me out this time.

On the plus-side, I have been clean since. Five weeks clean tomorrow.

In the mean time, Christmas season is in full bloom. I love this time of year. Having four songs stuck in my head for a month is slightly less enjoyable (Carol of the Bells, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Good King Wenceslas, and Three Kings [Eclipse]). I have gotten proficient in singing them. I'm starting to mess with the key of each song.

Roller-coasters and Life

When people compare their life to a roller-coaster, they tend to think in two dimensions: ups, and downs. What they are forgetting is that roller-coasters tend to move in all sorts of directions: corkscrews, loops, wibbly-wobbly shapes, backwards, etc. This is more like real life. Sometimes, you just kinda turn for no reason, and sometimes, you go into some ridiculous motion that confuses you so badly your brain can't keep up. I'm in one of those situations. Everything is happening very quickly. Things spiral out of control and I'm just trying to hold on and hope for the best. Somehow, without doing any homework, I'm passing all my classes with a B- or better. I'm happy about that. I don't know how this is working out, but I hope it continues to do so. I never seem to spend enough time just coasting along and having fun. I tend to be the type who either holds on for dear life or lets go and has WAY too much fun. I think I would be cruel in my current situation to do the latter.

Oh, by the way, everything in the last post has smoothed over.

For some reason, I have yet to be asked to my school's Sadie Hawkins dance, which is only a couple weeks away. I'm still hoping.

Yay, I have fingers that I can type with!

Blue.

Speaking of oranges, there was snow today.

...And Everything Comes Crashing Down in a Flaming Rush of Hurt Feelings, Misunderstandings, Broken Trust, and Burning Bridges.

Well, basically everything good I wrote about in the last post has come back and bit me in the butt.
Several girls hate me, the one I thought didn't like me anymore seems to be showing signs of liking me more than ever, I did everything conceivable to ruin my life and the lives of every girl I have come in contact with except maybe 3 or 4. One girl is talking about me behind my back saying who knows what, and then telling me stuff I have to take as true until proven false. She seems determined to make my life into Hell, and told who knows what to my parents. It sucks. Then she gets all wishy-washy and wants to be all nice and stuff, but I know she's going to be pissed for a few weeks at least. I think she's basing her self-worth on how much I like her, which is really dangerous. It basically means that she thinks that because I like someone more than her, she is worth less than that other girl. Well, yes, I realize I was tactless about it, and that I really should have phrased some things differently, but COME ON! This is ridiculous. I'm not trying to be hurtful, but even when I'm my most tactful she takes offense at nearly every word. Gah.
Well, that's my dramatic tidbit for today. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Admirers, Admiring, and Homecoming (I bet you thought the third word should have started with an "A")

Exceedingly long titles are fun every now and again.
So I have realized something: I have admirers. It's a startling revelation. Out of nowhere, I find out that this really really quiet girl I've known since.... seventh grade? Yeah. Well anyway, I find out on Friday that she had a crush on me for a long time last year. Keep in mind that she rarely ever talked to me. When she did it was more than likely three or four words at a time. Apparently, I have crushed her heart unknowingly. In my defense, I never knew she liked me. Then there's the spunky little girl who is funny, cute, and talkative, but who takes offence easily and wears her heart on her sleeve. Then there's the geek who is cute, smart, and into things like Star Wars, Doctor Who, The X-files, The Lord of the Rings, and all sorts of video games. Then there's the girl in the advanced wood-shop class. She's funny, and cute, and tall, but she swears sometimes. To all you girls out there, remember this: Ugly words should not come out of a pretty face. If you think this doesn't apply to you, think again. There's somebody out there who thinks you are beautiful. Sorry. Tangent. Anyway, there is also the very attractive part-Latin-American cellist who also loves dancing, and happens to be very good at it. As far as I know, this is the list. If you should be on this list, please let me know at some point in the near future. I would like to know.
Then there are the girls I like (although the list is somewhat shorter, I think.): The last-mentioned on the previous list, the geeky blond one, and a few others who are not coming to mind specifically. Until very recently (as shall shortly be explained), I was very taken with a particular redheaded girl who refuses to believe she has any redeeming qualities, yet was still beautiful nonetheless. Until last night around 7:30 p.m. When I saw the cellist ready to go to the dance, at which point I nearly fell over because she was so ravishing. Literally. I had to support myself using the hand rail on the porch steps. This is the last decisive step in my getting over the redhead, which, unfortunately, seems to have been a mistake. I am in the process of finding out that she may still like me, which sucks because she told me not to like her anymore so I wouldn't get hurt, at which point it felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart over 100 times a day for a month. I could almost literally feel a knife cutting open my chest.
However that happens to turn out, I was ecstatic about my date last night. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her for the whole night after I saw her in her homecoming dress. I was really, really happy about my choice to ask her to the dance. OH MAN is she hot! Anyway, the night was fun, and everyone was happy. At the end of the night, I tried to kiss her, and she wouldn't let me. I find that attractive. Girls, NEVER let a guy kiss you on the first date. If you don't let him kiss you, you send the following message: "No, you can't have me all at once, I'm not easy to get. You're going to have to chase me a while." It's really very attractive to guys who will care about you, not about scoring.
Until next time, this is the Invisible Man.

Colors

Life has a terrible way of happening to me. To empathize with me try to imagine this:

You know how when you love someone, it's called giving your heart to them, you love them with your whole heart, or your heart belongs to them? What if you could literally give your heart to someone? Imagine you are in a world where you literally give your heart to the people you love, where hearts were made of glass, and each person could give their own special color to the hearts of others. When you love someone with all your heart, you would give your whole heart to them, and they would do with it what they pleased, perhaps adding some of their color here, or there. Now once your heart is given, you can take it back unless it is drastically and fundamentally changed by the person you've given it to. At that point, it must be replaced with the other's heart, because the heart that was once yours is now theirs completely.

Imagine your heart is broken. Not only broken, but the pieces are crumbling to dust. You can't fix it, and every time you try, each piece you touch crumbles farther.

Then along comes this person, who is so different from you, wild and crazy, yet caring, and every time they touch a piece, it connects to another and changes color and shape. This keeps happening, and you find that your heart is a new size and shape, and it is fixed, but not fixed. Fixed because it is once again a whole heart, and not fixed, because it loses it's color unless you are with that crazy, wonderful person. Up until this point, you had never had any knowledge that anything was missing, no desire for color in your life, and no way to get any color if you'd wanted it. You offer your heart to this person, so the color and the life will stay in it. 

They start getting afraid at how much you want to be with them, and they begin to run away from you. When they run away from you, the color is stripped from your heart, leaving pain where once was joy. You pursue them, because the farther they run from you, the more intense the pain gets. Finally, you catch up, and some color returns, but they refuse to put all the color back. So you must wait. There is nothing you can do to change them. They don't want to change. You see their heart has very little color. Some of it you recognize as your own, but only a very little bit. You want to see them happy, the way you were happy when they colored in your heart. They can't see your heart. They don't want to see it. When they see your heart, half colored, they are sad, and they feel sad that your heart is half in pain. You can see their heart though, and you know that a heart like that must hurt. You wish that you knew how to color it all in, but you don't, and this makes you sadder than you were when you were only in pain. If only they would show you how, you would color their heart in for them, and then they wouldn't hurt anymore. However, they won't tell you, no matter how hard you try to help them be happy. One day, they put a little more color back into your heart, and your heart feels lighter than it has in a month or two. You are very happy. Then they ask you a terrible question: "It's not worth it to see you if you are dying every time, so are we going to fix this by you not liking me, or by us not being friends anymore?" You realize that they don't want to be the color of your heart. They don't want your heart at all, but they want you to be their friend. You want them to be the color of your heart. Their color is the only one that seems to fit the new shape they've given your heart. Other people start to notice you, and want to fill your heart with their color, but their colors won't stick on this shape. Sometimes you wish those colors would stick, but the only color that will stick is the color that wonderful person put in your heart, and then took. They don't want you to need their color to fill your heart, because they are afraid of not being afraid. They don't want to put their color into your heart, because then your color may begin to grow in theirs. They fear the unknown, but instead of learning the unknown, and therefore changing the unknown to the known, they are paralyzed and refuse to change the unknown into what is known. You are afraid that if they won't let things be different, you will not only be stuck like this, but stuck like this with no hope of anything but being left by your wonderful person. Both of you fear, and that keeps you from being the color of the other's heart. It is this fear that is your undoing. Your heart seems to both gain and lose color as you are near the wonderful person. The color of your heart fills as it is embraced by your friend, and as it is pushed away from the heart of this one who changed you, it empties of its color.
Life with them means an endless torment where you are both hurt and healed at once. Life without them means you will live a life which is empty of color. Which would you choose?

Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It All.

So, in my last post, I wished that I'd find another girl like my now-ex-ish girlfriend, only less afraid of everything. (It's complicated. I still don't know what's happening.) Well, school started on Tuesday, and by the end of the day on Wednesday, I'd found out that I have a class with 30 girls and 8 boys (I like the odds there); some random girl I don't know named Ashley is obsessed with me; a pretty (she's also insane) sophomore who reminds me of a pixie seems to be dead set on making me fall for her (she claims she just wants to be friends, but I think she's hoping something develops later. I wouldn't mind that, except that I like her and she'd get hurt, which is why I know I shouldn't date her even though I'd like to.); several of the coolest, craziest, and most attractive girls in my classes also happen to like me. The thing is, I know that if I go out with any of them, they'll end up sobbing tears for some reason or other and stalk off hating me and leaving me to feel like a total jerk. It doesn't even matter what I do, or how kind I try to be, it'll happen. I don't understand women.
My problem is, I notice when girls like me. I grew up being the weird, nerdy kid nobody wanted to hang out with, and now I'm somewhat popular. I don't understand it. You're probably wondering how I notice. I just notice, okay? When you're the nerdy awkward kid, you tend to become very observant. Now, I say I was the nerdy awkward kid, but I never got a swirly, and I don't recall being thrown into a dumpster, so I must have been at least somewhat respected, or perhaps I wasn't the type of kid who had the word "target" written across their forehead. Also, I say I was the nerdy, awkward kid...
So in four days of a new school year, I've gotten several admirers, a few of whom wouldn't mind being my girlfriend one smidgen because they've got no clue that the happy-go-lucky, quirky, funny, intelligent one isn't always so happy, funny, or adorable. I am in person, but once I'm text messaging them or talking to them on facebook, I am not as considerate and I'm terrible at communicating what I mean. Then there's that one girl that creeps me out even though she's cute.
I am having issues with friendships. I am okay with girls that like me and I like them if it's a passive thing when neither of us does anything and nothing happens, but when something starts to happen, people get hurt, and I am usually not the first one to get hurt. I am usually the last one to get hurt when everyone is gone.
Have I ever said on here that I fear abandonment, and to beat my fear I push people away, so I cannot get attached to anyone? Well now I have. I can't be abandoned if there is no one to abandon me. I don't like abandonment. I really, really dislike abandonment. It hurts, and it means that yet another person has decided that I am disgusting and that it would be better to leave me here by myself to rot from the inside, alone with my thoughts, wondering why I have no one, when all the people I see have multitudes, than to stay another minute with me, because they think that my diseased mind could infect them. Not all diseases are contagious, but sometimes, you can't control all the effects. There isn't always an anti-virus, or some medication. There isn't always a cure, but when there is, it runs away from me while my strength to resist increases while being eaten away. This disease I speak of is very simple. The feeling of being inadequate is the disease I speak of. I feel like I am not enough. I cannot protect people from the pain I know will come to them at my hand. I cannot protect people from the fear of their everyday lives. I cannot be who people want me to be. I cannot do the things that are asked of me. I am inadequate.
Somehow, girls seem to think that my inadequacy is attractive, or in some way adorable. I believe that most of the times I let out a cry for help I am mistaken as saying quaint phrases that don't mean anything, or mean something other than what I am trying to say. Sometimes, I think it's my own fault that people don't know who I am. Most of the time, I think that if you want to know who I am, you should have to put some effort into knowing who I am. You'll appreciate me more if you invest time and effort into learning about me. I invest a lot of time and effort into the closest of my friends, and I care about them. I wonder how much I care, and half the time, I think I care more about my friends than I do about my family.
So I really hate it when I wish something would happen, and it does, because then I'm not actually ready for it. I wished that I would basically get another girlfriend, and God decided to grant my wish to prove to me that I'm not ready. He pretty much threw a bunch of girls at me, said take your pick, and walked away to a safe distance to watch the show. That's what I'd do, anyway. It's pretty much what happened. There are all these girls I really, really want to go out with, and I know that is a bad idea for me. Oh, also, I feel really lame asking girls out when they all have their licenses and I don't. Bah! Parents. Micro-managers. Can't stand 'em. They pretty much insist I be a perfect driver and have some life or death reason that I absolutely must have my license before they'll let me get it. They also won't let me drive in conditions that aren't perfect for driving. Well, unless we don't actually have to go anywhere. I feel like I'm second-rate when 80% of my friends will have their licenses within a month of their 16th birthday, and I'm older than all of them. The other 19 % are almost guaranteed to have theirs by age 17, and then there's me and maybe 2 other people in my grade who want their license and who can't get it. Mleh.
Anywho, life is exceedingly complex.

Conclusion

So, I understand why she was pissed at me for the last week. Remember my last post? Well, yesterday she told me that she kinda saw it as a booty call, only a little less bad, because we've both drawn lines we won't cross at necking. I hadn't thought of it that way at all, and I was completely taken aback when she told me that was the problem. (I mean, I just told her I missed her, and she suggested she meet me somewhere, so I assumed she'd be fine with the lateness of the hour. I did accept her offer, so that makes it all my fault somehow.) All last week I'd been feeling like I was being stabbed in the heart every 20 seconds. I figured that she probably hated me. Not quite, but for some reason, asking her what I did wrong made her angrier at me. I went into a state of emotional shutdown for a couple hours, starting just before she told me about it. At some point, I felt like gravity was going two different directions than normal, and my hips were being pulled left while my head, shoulders, and feet went the other direction. It was a strange sensation considering that there was nothing in the way of drugs or even pain medication in my system that could have had that effect, because there were no drugs or medications of any kind in my body. At some point, my emotions rebooted. I think it was about 11:45 p.m. when that happened. I had somehow succeeded in keeping my emotions completely out of the picture for a few hours. I'm not entirely sure it helped, but I think it did. Then I had a weird dream. I'm pretty sure that at the beginning of the dream, my family was downstairs and my older brother climbed into the ceiling. I don't know why. Then, a while later, my now ex girlfriend came over and hung out with my family and me for the evening. We were just friends, and nothing happened. We didn't even hold hands, and it was okay. It was kinda reassuring that everything would be okay. I guess it gave me closure. I told her about it, and I told her that I was okay with not being together. I'm sure I'll miss it sometimes, but in one night's dream, I went from loving her with all my heart to loving her like a sister (granted, an attractive sister, but not someone to pursue). It was fun and/or extremely intense and/or very painful all at the same time. I suppose that's kinda typical for a summer romance, but I'm not too sure. Oh well, there are many fish in the sea, as the saying goes. I hope I find another like her someday, but perhaps with a little less fear, and a little more love.

Movie Mishaps

Well, I went to a movie on Friday, and it was awesome. I went and saw the Bourne Legacy. Good movie. Go see it. It has little plot, less than the other 3 Bourne movies, which is really hard to do. It's still awesome, though.
The thing is, I went alone, because nobody answered my posts on Facebook and nobody showed up. It was a little disappointing, but it wasn't too bad. So as I was walking home, I was texting my girlfriend and then I asked if I could call her (because I prefer talking instead of texting. There is less information lost talking.), and she told me yes, and I did, and at some point while I was walking home (the theater isn't very far away), I told her that I missed her, to which she replied, "Do you want to see me?" I told her yes, I always want to see her, and as it turned out, she was driving home from work.
We met up at a park near my house. By that time, it was 10:20 p.m. That's not exactly a good time to start hanging out, but it didn't really occur to me. You know that feeling you get after sitting and watching a movie in a theater, where it seems like less time than you've spent there has passed? Well, it didn't really feel that late to me, so I didn't think about it. We hung out, talked a little, and generally enjoyed each other's company for about 40 minutes. It felt like 4 minutes. Then, we leaned up against her car and made out for a while, and before either of us knew it, it was 11:50. She got off work at 10, and wasn't supposed to make any stops on the way home. Unfortunately, I was the one with an alibi, and she got in trouble. Needless to say, I feel sort of responsible, and she probably hates me. I can't say for sure, because she sent me one text explaining that she got her phone taken away, and was grounded from friends, Facebook, and her phone for a month. Then a few minutes later, she sent a text telling me not to contact her, and if she wanted to talk, she would talk to me.
Life kinda sucks right now.
Well, there is a wake up call for me. Time  may not matter much, but timing  matters a whole lot. Context matters, people! Remember that.

Emotions vs Olympics

GAH! Emotions are crazy. Ever felt like time had suddenly lost meaning? I bet you have. Has that feeling ever lasted for over 24 hours? Probably not for you. Everything seems to take about the same amount of time. A second lasts a year, and a year lasts a second, and things that once seemed forever away in the future seem like they are raining down upon you in all their fury. Needless to say, in this condition, it's kind of difficult to judge a current situation accurately. Problems tend to happen. Bleah.

So the Olympics are cool. People are doing some crazy stuff. Breaking world records, being awesome, you know, the works. Go people! Be patriotic! Represent your country, athletes! Support those athletes, countries! GO TEAM USA!!! I'm sorry if I have offended any of you with my outburst of patriotism, but I happen to support my country. You all should too, or if you don't, move to where you want to be. That's my 2 cents.

Okay, so there wasn't really any battle betwixt feelings and sports, but whatever.

Invisible Thoughts

What does an invisible man think about? Well, probably what most men think about. Girls, cars, money, food, chores. In that order, probably. Anyway, I say I'm invisible, but I'm not really. Not physically anyway. Actually, come to think of it, I usually dress rather flamboyantly. But for one thing, I'd say it was just a name. I am invisible to nearly everyone. I mean who I am inside, and what I'm really like. There are very few people who can see me for who and what I am, and those people are dear to me.

I have written a song, but I have yet to find a tune that fits. It's called "Falling to Pieces."

Falling to Pieces

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

I cannot feel.

I cannot hear.

I cannot break through the silence here.

* I'm falling to pieces when you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbles, right down to the ground.

The words that I've spoken, are lost and broken,

These are my ruins that you have found.

Now you found it.

Now you found me.

Now you will help to write my story.

I have spoken.

I have not lied.

I'm dead now! I've died on the inside!

*

I remember the feeling

When you were leaving.

Like I had been flying

And just lost my wings.

I thought I'd be falling,

But I was just hanging,

And stopped, I was falling,

Falling to Pieces.

*

I was falling.

I was unsure.

I was in pain, but you were the cure.

Now you are gone.

Now you are free.

Now you are not still held down by me.

*

I need help. You're the one.

You're the anesthetic.

My wounds have come undone.

Who can come and save me

From who I am inside?

It was you, It's only you.

I thought I'd made it through,

But I'm to late and...

I'm falling to pieces now that you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbled, right down to the ground.

The words I have spoken, say that I'm broken,

These are my ruins scattered all around.

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

So that's the song. I only have the melody of the chorus figured out right now, but that isn't going to change any time soon.

Actually, the song is a little bit inaccurate. I'm falling to pieces anyway, but at least it's a good way when you're around. You know who you are.

Anyway. summer has been... exciting to say the least. I recently got flung out of a sit-down style tube while boating with the guys. Considering that when you crack a whip, the end of the whip breaks the sound barrier while your arm gets nowhere close, and applying that to this incident, I'd say that I was going about 50 miles per hour when the tube flipped all the way over. I mean a full flip. It landed right side up. The boat was going about 25 mph and turned left really sharply. Needless to say, I lost my sunglasses. Luckily, I had someone in the boat filming the incident. It's a great video, but I don't think I'll post it.

So, I like girls. I am attracted to them, and I think most of my friends are girls. I like the odds. Anyway, there's this one girl (who inspired the poem above) who I like more than I thought I could. I had no clue that I could like anyone that much. I'd venture as far as to say I'm in love. There's just one problem. She runs away from me. Not physically, I'm not a stalker or any other creepy sort like that. I mean she runs away emotionally. Every time we are getting close to each other emotionally, she closes up. It's like she is trying not to like me, but still does and wants to be close, so she lets me get close, and then she gets afraid of liking me, because she doesn't want to like anyone. Like anyone can help it. It's quite maddening. Not angering, just maddening. Sometimes though, I do get angry, which is stupid of me, because then I'm basically validating her fears. Silly me.

So, I think it's kinda weird how my life can shift focus. I can be totally into something, and I'll plan around it. Then, my priorities shift dramatically, and all of a sudden, something else seems entirely more important. It happens so fast for me. It gives me something to do, though.

That's all for now, folks.

The Flame That Lights My Way.

     In view of my being a recovering drug addict, I'm unusually happy. It's because I have been able to abstain from my dopamine abuse ever since I started going out with you. You know who you are, but you don't know how much you're doing for me. Until you read this, you cannot possibly understand the vast difference that you've made in my life. When I am with you, I'm free. You always make me laugh, no matter what circumstances we're in. After reading this blog, you'll understand my insecurities, because I know what a terrible thing I've done. I don't know how we're going to turn out, but I hope with all my heart, that you'll always be a part of my life.

     Lately, I've had little to no urge to return to my old habits, and that is because I'm fighting for you. You're worth fighting myself for. Right now, I'm winning the battle. You give me the upper hand in this fight, so perhaps you can understand why I want you so desperately: my heart is strong with you in it, and that strength is what I have lacked in this battle. The more success I have in this war of wills, the more I see I need you, the more I realize how much I love you.

I see your bright red, flaming hair,

The flame that lights my way.

Your laugh rings out across the air,

The star that lights my day.

The war I wage inside my mind

Is not one I can win,

Unless to me you will be kind.

I'll fight to right my sin.

My arsenal has been so small,

I did not have the means,

All night I'd beat upon a wall,

But you can mend my seams.

My thoughts revealed and when we kiss,

I'm on a wild ride.

I know that you I'll always miss,

When we're not side by side.

Infection

I am a recovering drug addict. Stop, it isn't what you think. It's not illicit, it isn't OTC medication, it isn't pain-killers, it isn't prescription, and it can't even be regulated by the government in any way. I accidentally became addicted to dopamine, the brain's reward chemical. There are drugs that mess up your dopamine levels, but I don't use those, and never have. Dopamine levels can be affected in many ways, but two of the least controllable, most unbalancing ways are pornography and masturbation. I am putting this out here, because it helps to explain. Masturbation has very few physical side-effects, and pornography doesn't actually have any. The physical side-effect of masturbation is hunger. Both of these dopamine-inducing methods have the same psychological effects: apathy, low self esteem, loss of caring about self or others, intense disregard for rules, extreme disrespect for authority and those who hold it, and self-loathing. The effects may be the same, but those of masturbation are much more intense. Pornography will almost always lead to masturbation or seeking out sexual partners whenever and/or wherever possible. This can lead to the transfer of STD's, but I have no personal experience with that. The effects of these things are devastating spiritually, emotionally, and socially. The effects lead to a vicious cycle where the reward is sought out in spite of knowing it will make things worse, because the momentary euphoria is nearly irresistible, and in a mentally/emotionally weakened state, it takes herculean effort to stop. The only thing I've found that will help is realizing that I have value, and no one can change that. Even I can do little to affect my personal value. Once I realized that I was doing things right, I slowly but steadily improved. When I was dealing with this problem, it felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like I should be strong enough to stop, but that I wasn't, that I failed. I thought that I had ruined every part of me, and saw only the negative parts of myself, becoming consumed with my flaws, and plunging into a world of anger, hatred, and fear. I lost hope, and I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of people knowing, and looking down on me, or becoming disgusted by me. That, in its self stopped me from seeking any aid. I know now that what matters is what I think, and that people should know who I am. I know that I am doing things right. I have continued in school, I have friends, I am staying healthy, and I am still strong in my moral fiber, despite my obvious shortcomings. I know right from wrong, and because I can still tell right from wrong, I know that I am still good at heart. Don't suppress parts of yourself, don't hide some of yourself. If you hide, or suppress your wounds, they won't heal, unless they are superficial. Most people don't hide superficial wounds, but infections can be hidden for a while. There will come a point when people notice, and don't know why you hid, knowing that if you had only come to them sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. Don't let it get worse. You can get help. It won't be as painful as you think it will, because it will bring some form of relief. Trust me. I know.

Music

So, today I gave this girl a CD of songs that we like in this really cool case. It's one of those CD cases that has a lever and a button thingy that you push to make the CD come out. She was entertained for the rest of lunch. :)

Honor Bound

Jared, Justin, John, and Joe

Lied and lied, they didn't know

That meaning yes and saying no

Would not make their honor grow.

Perchance some sly and sickly spy

Has gone and told them all a lie

And maybe that's the reason why

Their honor's left there, high and dry.

Their honor's feeling pretty bad

If you were it, would you feel sad?

I bet that lying makes it mad.

Instead of lying, make it glad.

Justin, Jared, Joe, and John

Know how to go right on and on,

Because their lies make them withdrawn:

The feeling left when honor's gone.

Justin cheats on every test,

So teachers thought him to be best,

But as a doctor now he's dressed.

His honor faded, broken, messed.

Jared forged his father's check,

A simple shuffling of the deck,

But now he's dead and on to heck.

His honor lost, 'cause he's a wreck.

Joe looked into politics,

Biden time, but doesn't fix

The little pokes, the little pricks,

That honor sees as bitter tricks.

John no longer lies a ton,

He's married now, has lots of fun.

He loves his wife, and loves his son,

So goes life when honor's won.