Conclusion

So, I understand why she was pissed at me for the last week. Remember my last post? Well, yesterday she told me that she kinda saw it as a booty call, only a little less bad, because we've both drawn lines we won't cross at necking. I hadn't thought of it that way at all, and I was completely taken aback when she told me that was the problem. (I mean, I just told her I missed her, and she suggested she meet me somewhere, so I assumed she'd be fine with the lateness of the hour. I did accept her offer, so that makes it all my fault somehow.) All last week I'd been feeling like I was being stabbed in the heart every 20 seconds. I figured that she probably hated me. Not quite, but for some reason, asking her what I did wrong made her angrier at me. I went into a state of emotional shutdown for a couple hours, starting just before she told me about it. At some point, I felt like gravity was going two different directions than normal, and my hips were being pulled left while my head, shoulders, and feet went the other direction. It was a strange sensation considering that there was nothing in the way of drugs or even pain medication in my system that could have had that effect, because there were no drugs or medications of any kind in my body. At some point, my emotions rebooted. I think it was about 11:45 p.m. when that happened. I had somehow succeeded in keeping my emotions completely out of the picture for a few hours. I'm not entirely sure it helped, but I think it did. Then I had a weird dream. I'm pretty sure that at the beginning of the dream, my family was downstairs and my older brother climbed into the ceiling. I don't know why. Then, a while later, my now ex girlfriend came over and hung out with my family and me for the evening. We were just friends, and nothing happened. We didn't even hold hands, and it was okay. It was kinda reassuring that everything would be okay. I guess it gave me closure. I told her about it, and I told her that I was okay with not being together. I'm sure I'll miss it sometimes, but in one night's dream, I went from loving her with all my heart to loving her like a sister (granted, an attractive sister, but not someone to pursue). It was fun and/or extremely intense and/or very painful all at the same time. I suppose that's kinda typical for a summer romance, but I'm not too sure. Oh well, there are many fish in the sea, as the saying goes. I hope I find another like her someday, but perhaps with a little less fear, and a little more love.

Movie Mishaps

Well, I went to a movie on Friday, and it was awesome. I went and saw the Bourne Legacy. Good movie. Go see it. It has little plot, less than the other 3 Bourne movies, which is really hard to do. It's still awesome, though.
The thing is, I went alone, because nobody answered my posts on Facebook and nobody showed up. It was a little disappointing, but it wasn't too bad. So as I was walking home, I was texting my girlfriend and then I asked if I could call her (because I prefer talking instead of texting. There is less information lost talking.), and she told me yes, and I did, and at some point while I was walking home (the theater isn't very far away), I told her that I missed her, to which she replied, "Do you want to see me?" I told her yes, I always want to see her, and as it turned out, she was driving home from work.
We met up at a park near my house. By that time, it was 10:20 p.m. That's not exactly a good time to start hanging out, but it didn't really occur to me. You know that feeling you get after sitting and watching a movie in a theater, where it seems like less time than you've spent there has passed? Well, it didn't really feel that late to me, so I didn't think about it. We hung out, talked a little, and generally enjoyed each other's company for about 40 minutes. It felt like 4 minutes. Then, we leaned up against her car and made out for a while, and before either of us knew it, it was 11:50. She got off work at 10, and wasn't supposed to make any stops on the way home. Unfortunately, I was the one with an alibi, and she got in trouble. Needless to say, I feel sort of responsible, and she probably hates me. I can't say for sure, because she sent me one text explaining that she got her phone taken away, and was grounded from friends, Facebook, and her phone for a month. Then a few minutes later, she sent a text telling me not to contact her, and if she wanted to talk, she would talk to me.
Life kinda sucks right now.
Well, there is a wake up call for me. Time  may not matter much, but timing  matters a whole lot. Context matters, people! Remember that.

Emotions vs Olympics

GAH! Emotions are crazy. Ever felt like time had suddenly lost meaning? I bet you have. Has that feeling ever lasted for over 24 hours? Probably not for you. Everything seems to take about the same amount of time. A second lasts a year, and a year lasts a second, and things that once seemed forever away in the future seem like they are raining down upon you in all their fury. Needless to say, in this condition, it's kind of difficult to judge a current situation accurately. Problems tend to happen. Bleah.

So the Olympics are cool. People are doing some crazy stuff. Breaking world records, being awesome, you know, the works. Go people! Be patriotic! Represent your country, athletes! Support those athletes, countries! GO TEAM USA!!! I'm sorry if I have offended any of you with my outburst of patriotism, but I happen to support my country. You all should too, or if you don't, move to where you want to be. That's my 2 cents.

Okay, so there wasn't really any battle betwixt feelings and sports, but whatever.

Invisible Thoughts

What does an invisible man think about? Well, probably what most men think about. Girls, cars, money, food, chores. In that order, probably. Anyway, I say I'm invisible, but I'm not really. Not physically anyway. Actually, come to think of it, I usually dress rather flamboyantly. But for one thing, I'd say it was just a name. I am invisible to nearly everyone. I mean who I am inside, and what I'm really like. There are very few people who can see me for who and what I am, and those people are dear to me.

I have written a song, but I have yet to find a tune that fits. It's called "Falling to Pieces."

Falling to Pieces

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

I cannot feel.

I cannot hear.

I cannot break through the silence here.

* I'm falling to pieces when you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbles, right down to the ground.

The words that I've spoken, are lost and broken,

These are my ruins that you have found.

Now you found it.

Now you found me.

Now you will help to write my story.

I have spoken.

I have not lied.

I'm dead now! I've died on the inside!

*

I remember the feeling

When you were leaving.

Like I had been flying

And just lost my wings.

I thought I'd be falling,

But I was just hanging,

And stopped, I was falling,

Falling to Pieces.

*

I was falling.

I was unsure.

I was in pain, but you were the cure.

Now you are gone.

Now you are free.

Now you are not still held down by me.

*

I need help. You're the one.

You're the anesthetic.

My wounds have come undone.

Who can come and save me

From who I am inside?

It was you, It's only you.

I thought I'd made it through,

But I'm to late and...

I'm falling to pieces now that you are not around.

My fortress, it crumbled, right down to the ground.

The words I have spoken, say that I'm broken,

These are my ruins scattered all around.

I've tried so hard.

I've tried so long.

I try to stand, but something is wrong.

So that's the song. I only have the melody of the chorus figured out right now, but that isn't going to change any time soon.

Actually, the song is a little bit inaccurate. I'm falling to pieces anyway, but at least it's a good way when you're around. You know who you are.

Anyway. summer has been... exciting to say the least. I recently got flung out of a sit-down style tube while boating with the guys. Considering that when you crack a whip, the end of the whip breaks the sound barrier while your arm gets nowhere close, and applying that to this incident, I'd say that I was going about 50 miles per hour when the tube flipped all the way over. I mean a full flip. It landed right side up. The boat was going about 25 mph and turned left really sharply. Needless to say, I lost my sunglasses. Luckily, I had someone in the boat filming the incident. It's a great video, but I don't think I'll post it.

So, I like girls. I am attracted to them, and I think most of my friends are girls. I like the odds. Anyway, there's this one girl (who inspired the poem above) who I like more than I thought I could. I had no clue that I could like anyone that much. I'd venture as far as to say I'm in love. There's just one problem. She runs away from me. Not physically, I'm not a stalker or any other creepy sort like that. I mean she runs away emotionally. Every time we are getting close to each other emotionally, she closes up. It's like she is trying not to like me, but still does and wants to be close, so she lets me get close, and then she gets afraid of liking me, because she doesn't want to like anyone. Like anyone can help it. It's quite maddening. Not angering, just maddening. Sometimes though, I do get angry, which is stupid of me, because then I'm basically validating her fears. Silly me.

So, I think it's kinda weird how my life can shift focus. I can be totally into something, and I'll plan around it. Then, my priorities shift dramatically, and all of a sudden, something else seems entirely more important. It happens so fast for me. It gives me something to do, though.

That's all for now, folks.

The Flame That Lights My Way.

     In view of my being a recovering drug addict, I'm unusually happy. It's because I have been able to abstain from my dopamine abuse ever since I started going out with you. You know who you are, but you don't know how much you're doing for me. Until you read this, you cannot possibly understand the vast difference that you've made in my life. When I am with you, I'm free. You always make me laugh, no matter what circumstances we're in. After reading this blog, you'll understand my insecurities, because I know what a terrible thing I've done. I don't know how we're going to turn out, but I hope with all my heart, that you'll always be a part of my life.

     Lately, I've had little to no urge to return to my old habits, and that is because I'm fighting for you. You're worth fighting myself for. Right now, I'm winning the battle. You give me the upper hand in this fight, so perhaps you can understand why I want you so desperately: my heart is strong with you in it, and that strength is what I have lacked in this battle. The more success I have in this war of wills, the more I see I need you, the more I realize how much I love you.

I see your bright red, flaming hair,

The flame that lights my way.

Your laugh rings out across the air,

The star that lights my day.

The war I wage inside my mind

Is not one I can win,

Unless to me you will be kind.

I'll fight to right my sin.

My arsenal has been so small,

I did not have the means,

All night I'd beat upon a wall,

But you can mend my seams.

My thoughts revealed and when we kiss,

I'm on a wild ride.

I know that you I'll always miss,

When we're not side by side.

Infection

I am a recovering drug addict. Stop, it isn't what you think. It's not illicit, it isn't OTC medication, it isn't pain-killers, it isn't prescription, and it can't even be regulated by the government in any way. I accidentally became addicted to dopamine, the brain's reward chemical. There are drugs that mess up your dopamine levels, but I don't use those, and never have. Dopamine levels can be affected in many ways, but two of the least controllable, most unbalancing ways are pornography and masturbation. I am putting this out here, because it helps to explain. Masturbation has very few physical side-effects, and pornography doesn't actually have any. The physical side-effect of masturbation is hunger. Both of these dopamine-inducing methods have the same psychological effects: apathy, low self esteem, loss of caring about self or others, intense disregard for rules, extreme disrespect for authority and those who hold it, and self-loathing. The effects may be the same, but those of masturbation are much more intense. Pornography will almost always lead to masturbation or seeking out sexual partners whenever and/or wherever possible. This can lead to the transfer of STD's, but I have no personal experience with that. The effects of these things are devastating spiritually, emotionally, and socially. The effects lead to a vicious cycle where the reward is sought out in spite of knowing it will make things worse, because the momentary euphoria is nearly irresistible, and in a mentally/emotionally weakened state, it takes herculean effort to stop. The only thing I've found that will help is realizing that I have value, and no one can change that. Even I can do little to affect my personal value. Once I realized that I was doing things right, I slowly but steadily improved. When I was dealing with this problem, it felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like I should be strong enough to stop, but that I wasn't, that I failed. I thought that I had ruined every part of me, and saw only the negative parts of myself, becoming consumed with my flaws, and plunging into a world of anger, hatred, and fear. I lost hope, and I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of people knowing, and looking down on me, or becoming disgusted by me. That, in its self stopped me from seeking any aid. I know now that what matters is what I think, and that people should know who I am. I know that I am doing things right. I have continued in school, I have friends, I am staying healthy, and I am still strong in my moral fiber, despite my obvious shortcomings. I know right from wrong, and because I can still tell right from wrong, I know that I am still good at heart. Don't suppress parts of yourself, don't hide some of yourself. If you hide, or suppress your wounds, they won't heal, unless they are superficial. Most people don't hide superficial wounds, but infections can be hidden for a while. There will come a point when people notice, and don't know why you hid, knowing that if you had only come to them sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. Don't let it get worse. You can get help. It won't be as painful as you think it will, because it will bring some form of relief. Trust me. I know.

Music

So, today I gave this girl a CD of songs that we like in this really cool case. It's one of those CD cases that has a lever and a button thingy that you push to make the CD come out. She was entertained for the rest of lunch. :)